*WARNING:--LONGEST POST EVER-*
As I look back on this year, the most evident change God has worked in me is courage. I read through my journals from earlier this year and from while I was in Mozambique, and I can see the transformation. It is so amazing!!!!!
To give a summary illustration of this amazing work God has done in me, I will start with the beginning of my journey.
I was sitting in the Orlando Airport, about to get on a plane that would take me to Detroit, that would connect to my stop in Amsterdam. I was supposed to meet up with some other Harvest School students in Detroit. When I checked in at the desk, they couldn't find my flight to Detroit. I began to panic inwardly and thought "I haven't even left my home state yet! This trip is already becoming way more than I can handle! WHAT AM I DOING!?" I don't like traveling alone in the first place, ESPECIALLY when stuff like this happens. So as I was panicking, the woman told me to wait for a few minutes while she tried to work things out. Those few minutes felt like hours as I was wrestling inside with God. "Why am I by myself! Why couldn't you give me someone to go with me! I'm always doing everything by myself!" ......the woman called me back to the desk. As I held my breath, she told me that my flight had been switched. I was now going from here to Atlanta, and then from there, straight to Johannesburg, South Africa. So I realized what this would mean for me: I would no longer meet up with the people I was supposed to meet up with in Detroit, who would then all be together when we got to Johannesburg for our overnight stay. I would be arriving in Joburg, late at night, BY MYSELF, with no clue what to do or where to go, or who to connect with to get to my hotel. I had no idea if my luggage would be there, or if I would need to claim it and re-check it somewhere else.
I received my new itinerary from the woman at the desk and then sat down to wait for boarding. As I was sitting there, I began to get very scared and anxious. "Why do things like this always happen to me! I have no idea how to travel by myself in foreign countries! I look like a gullible, innocent blonde girl who can easily be taken advantage of, and I HAVE NO ONE TO HELP ME. I AM ALWAYS BY MYSELF! Why am I always doing huge scary things by myself!" The cycle of thoughts spun around and around in my mind until I finally boarded the plane and we got off the ground. We arrived in Atlanta, and I found my next gate for my 17-hr nonstop to Joburg. BY MYSELF. "Lord, please help me! I can't do this by myself! I need you so much. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!" I prayed at the airport, on the plane, over and over again when I woke up during those 17 hours.
Finally we landed in Joburg. Well, this is it. God, help. I followed the crowd into the huge airport. I still didn't know about my baggage, so I just decided to go to baggage claim and look. I stood there for a good while, but never saw my bag. So I just started walking, toward what looked like the main atrium of the airport. It was a long walk, because this airport is HUGE. As I was walking I tried to hold back the tears. Trying not to look obvious. But it didn't really work. I kept praying "Lord, where is my husband? I need him! Why am I always alone! I don't know where to go or what to do!" .....Little did I know that God was teaching me how to rely fully on Him and no one else. He had removed every comfort and security, everything I had used in the past to lean on, and stripped me of all that I usually cling to, and left me with nothing but HIM. To show me that He is all I need.
*You will never learn that God is truly all you need, until He is all you have.*
So finally, I made it to the atrium and saw people holding up signs. I looked at them all and didn't see my name, so I just decided to walk to the bathroom and try to regain composure. "GOD, I NEED YOU. HELP!" "Breathe Hannah, just breathe." Now as I look back on this, I realize that during this whole time, I never stopped praying. I was constantly talking to the Lord, and He was talking back to me. I was learning how to be in constant communion with Him. As I left the restroom, I walked out and saw a girl standing there with some luggage. I met her and found out she was a Harvest School student as well. Praise the Lord, I was not alone anymore. We stood there talking and waiting for a representative from our hotel to pick us up. He eventually showed up and took us to our hotel.
I tell all of this to show how I started. I started so weak. Scared, anxious, frightened. Now let me tell you how I finished.
BRAVE. STRONG AND COURAGEOUS. FEARLESS.
With only a week or so left in the school, I remember one evening I walked up to one of the prayer huts to watch the amazing sunset. (African sunsets, you can imagine, are breathtaking) I thought back to the first time I had been in this prayer hut, watching a sunset. It was a couple of weeks after I had arrived, and I was up there, standing on the ledge, holding onto a post and in my heart were so many questions.
"Where am I going? What is God doing with me? I don't know anything. What should I do? What is the next step? What about this boy? What about the desires of my heart? What if I'm supposed to be single? What if I'm called to a different place? What if I'm called to do this alone, to prove that God is all you need? Where am I supposed to go? What's going to happen after this? I don't want to go back home and just do what I was doing before. I want to be living out what's in my heart. I want to dream and watch these dreams happen!" .....etc. etc. etc. SOOOO many questions. So many fears. SO many worries, on and on and on. And as I thought about that one evening, I started smiling. Because now, only a month or so later, ALL of those questions, were GONE. Just wiped away, all of them. I watched the sunset, and full of peace. I actually could enjoy the beauty of the sky this time. I could actually breathe. My heart was free and there wasn't all this heavyness of fear and questions weighing on my heart. God had done SUCH a work in me.
Some of the biggest tools He used to do this work were little dirty chocolate faces. Tiny dirt huts where families made their homes. The humility and simpicity of poverty. A little 11 year old girl named Memona. God used Memona to mold my heart. He took out things that were never meant to be there, and put in things that were always supposed to. He grew my heart so big I thought it would explode with love. As Memona and I walked on the beach together almost every day, I saw how all my fear and worry was nothing. I saw the faithfulness of God. I felt His nearness, His closeness. I learned how well He takes care of His children. I felt all my doubt wash away. Doubt that He was really going to take care of me. It all washed away. I was immsersed in the love of the Father as He allowed me to love this beautiful treasure and to watch her cold heart open. Memona doesn't talk much, and she also doesn't smile much. By the end of my time in Mozambique, I had her laughing and dancing with me almost every day. It was beautiful to watch. She is a beloved princess and I cannot tell you how much GOD LOVES HER. God let me feel His love for this girl and it overwhelmed me. My own worries were nothing. When has God ever failed me? When has he forsaken me or left me on my own? When has He not been faithful? NEVER.
The things the Lord spoke to me in Mozambique will stay with me forever because they are forever engraved on my heart. They are part of the journey, and part of my growth. If they weren't there, I wouldn't be where I'm supposed to be right now.
He will ALWAYS take care of me.
I will never be by myself.
He is my Provider.
He comforts me.
The Holy Spirit lives inside of me
I truly can do EVERYTHING through Christ who GIVES ME STRENGTH,
I can go ANYWHERE with HIM!
If He called me to the most dangerous, dark place on earth, I would be completely safe because HE called me there. I would rather be there in that dark place with HIM, than in safety and comfort without Him.
WHEN GOD CALLS YOU TO SOMETHING, YOU CAN DO WHAT HE CALLS YOU TO. ALWAYS.
He will always make a way.
I wasn't even supposed to go to this school. It was too full, they had already accepted as many as they had room for. But God had asked me to go. I told Him if I got accepted, I would go. I wasn't sure how my heart would handle it, because I knew that I wanted to be with a family, a husband, a group of people who aren't going anywhere. But God wanted me to know that He is all I need. I don't have to have that family around me to live this life. So He asked me to go to Mozambique by myself. The school was full but God moved on the hearts of those in leadership to open up for double the amount, because there were more. God knew He had plans for me there. So he made a way. And I obeyed. At first I could not see why I needed to come here, but now I do. My heart needed that foundation that if He is all that I have, it's enough. My heart needed to know the safety and security of the nearness of the Holy Spirit. He made me brave.
My heart found its home. It's funny that it happened in the place farthest away from "home". God always knows the best way : )
As we drove to the tiny Pemba airport in huge camions, sitting on the back, on top of all our luggage, I KNEW, without a doubt, that even if I wasn't traveling with this big group of students, I could TOTALLY do it by myself. I could travel the world by myself, with only God with me. I KNEW I could do it. Because the Holy Spirit truly became my best friend. I felt His nearness every day. He was so close to me.
There were so many days when I thought "I can't do this anymore." I was exhausted, I was filthy, I was so hot. I didn't have any strength left in me, let alone any more love to pour out on all these needy children. But as I pressed through and kept my eyes on Him, He became my strength. He proved Himself and who He is. I was SO weak. I had absolutely NOTHING to give.
But I finished so strong. HE MADE ME BRAVE, BOLD AND FEARLESS.!!!!!
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