Journal Entries June - August

JUNE 18
This whole weekend has been wonderful. I’m sitting here in dirt, absolutely filthy and messy and I love the Kingdom. He has taught me so much about Himself through these people. I LOVE the people. LOVE them. So much. I loved walking through the villages and visiting these people and praying for them. God cares so much about these small unknown villages up in the middle of nowhere. HE CARES SO MUCH for the people that no one really knows about. None of their stories are unknown. He sees their lives and their stories. He knows them. Sometimes it makes me wonder why doesn’t God help them when they are desperate? I just want them to understand the Gospel. I want them to get it. I want their hearts to comprehend the reality of the Gospel. And not any ”western” version or culturized thing but the real Gospel in all its glory and simplicity. It really isn’t complicated. God is not American. He is the King of Kings who reigns over all the earth. Not just one nation. He rules the earth: ALL NATIONS. God is not cultural, He is LOVE. John 3:16--God loved the WORLD. Every single tribe and tongue.


JUNE 19
I love how there are so many different nations represented here! In my house alone these countries are represented:
AMERICA
ENGLAND
NEW ZEALAND
AUSTRALIA
TAIWAN
SWITZERLAND
NORWAY
And these states:
FLORIDA
TEXAS
COLORADO
IOWA
WISCONSIN
And we all gather together in AFRICA!! God is truly gathering His Bride and making her ready from every nation, tribe and tongue. This is so beautiful.


JUNE 20
Sweet Jesus Christ, my sanity, my clarity……Today has been one of those pivotal days. I just came back from weekend outreach and today I just wanted to rest and be clean. But I had told some village friends that on Sunday we would go to their house. So we had to go. The whole day I have been kinda out of it and just tired and not in the mood for a hundred kids grabbing onto me and making me dirty. I kept thinking in my head “I didn’t want to get dirty today!” And I’ve been feeling so selfish; like I don’t really care about the Mozambicans and it’s kinda wearing on my heart a little. It’s making me sad that I feel so selfish. But anyway, we visited Memona and her family again, they cooked us a meal again. And as I was sitting there in that little dirt house I remember thinking about how Jesus left glory to come into a dirt house like this. It is so mind blowing to think about that. Then we visited another house and they gave us fried sweetbread they were making. And as we sat on a little grass mat, we met the family and a young 23-year-old mother of 4 named Isa, who looked so depressed and downtrodden and her face was so burdened. We don’t know much of her story because we didn’t have a translator, but we found out that she’s really only a mother of 3 children because one of them died. And also that she can’t feed her babies. So we prayed for her and she just looked down at the ground the whole time. We prayed again and started speaking life and joy to her and commanding depression to go, and when we were finished she looks up and starts smiling, and then one of our girls points at the sky and then to Isa’s heart and says, “Jesus Christ loves you, a lot.” Isa starts to cry and smile at the same time. The Holy Spirit was working so much on her heart. Then she took the witchcraft bracelet off her sleeping baby’s wrist, and we threw it in the fire. We all gave her hugs and kisses and she was so happy. The LORD came down and wrapped His Papa arms around her this day. And I believe that she is going to feed her babies. …I didn’t want to get dirty today. This was my day off. I didn’t want to go anywhere today. I just wanted to lay on my grass-bed in the hut and soak. But Jesus wants me like Him. So He invites me to get down and get dirty and LOVE. Love MORE; love AGAIN, when I feel like I’ve exhausted my supply of love for the rest of the whole week. When I feel like I have nothing more to give. Well, fill me up, God. There’s always more, and there’s always enough. Don’t stop loving, and don’t stop losing yourself.


JUNE 29
I just had a vision while we were singing ‘I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open, there’s nothing I hold onto…’ …..of me with open hands, climbing up my own mountain to the rhythm of God’s heartbeat, and each step I took climbing up this mountain, was to a beat of His heart. It was my own mountain because God knows my heart and what I can handle. Sometimes I feel like my mountains and valleys are so small. But He takes me and my heart seriously and He knows it is real. My mountains and valleys are as real to Him as they are to me.


JUNE 30
Lord, help me go lower because I haven’t been doing a very good job. I am terrible at this. I am so not good at being like you Jesus. I’m so selfish. I’m awful at sharing and giving and serving. All I think about is myself. Lord, help me. I can’t do this. Only you can make me like you.


JULY 1
Tonight after weeping for hours up in the prayer hut, I got another vision. I saw myself running in this race, with one of those numbers taped onto my shirt, and my Father was running with me, like holding me and helping me run, and we were going together and I knew I could do it. But then someone from the sidelines yelled out to me “You’re all alone!” and I started freaking out and getting scared, and stumbling while I ran because I believed that person, which was absolutely ridiculous because I could see and feel my Dad RIGHT NEXT TO ME, I KNEW He was there. My dad was running with me and someone told me I was all alone and I believed them. And it caused me to lose my balance running and slow down and almost fall. But then I saw my Dad and He said “Look at me! You can do this! I’m running right next to you, my little girl!” And He started clapping and cheering me on saying, “RUN! RUN! YOU CAN DO THIS! RUN!” ……Why on earth would I look at the sidelines and listen to anything they are saying?


JULY 2
The reason I was able to say yes is because you made me brave. The reason I was able to pack up all my stuff and get on a plane and fly halfway across the world all by myself is because you made me brave. I never would have been able to do this without you. I’m here because you make me Brave. You make me courageous, bold and fearless. You teach me how to laugh in the face of fear and laugh at the enemy and his lies. You remind me how foolish those lies are. You are the One who gives me the song to sing in the face of fear. I’m going to have days like yesterday when it seems like everything is just crumbling to the ground around me and I get so tired and burned out that I literally have to fall back into His arms and let him carry me. But those days come and then they go, and the sun rises again, and the morning brings me word of your unfailing love and I find a double portion of grace and strength to keep going. And I find joy for the journey. Because you’re always faithful. The journey is always worth it.


JULY 7
Sometimes I feel like I can’t take the dirt anymore. I can’t take the smell and the dust and the filth anymore. I’ve had enough. I need to go home. I have no more grace left to do this. Yet, I’m still here and I still have a while to go. And I have to stay here. And I feel like I can’t be around a swarm of kids anymore, and as soon as I think that, I get a swarm of dirty filthy kids around me. Stretching and stretching and stretching some more. I don’t know all that’s happening to me, but Lord, come have your way in me. I NEED SO MUCH GRACE………….


JULY 20
It’s been a lot easier to just laugh when things go wrong instead of flip out. It’s actually funny. God has taught me how to lighten up and not be so uptight. It’s so frustrating that it’s actually hilarious. I don’t know how that works. But it does. I would rather be happy than angry so I’m just going to be happy. I know my Daddy and his great faithfulness to me and nothing is going to change that.

JULY 23
The more I spend time in the villages with the people, the more I get emptied of me.

JULY 27
Lord Jesus, please be my strength! This day has been so hard! I have those frustrating days and then they end and I think, OK that’s it, no more, the rest of these days are going to be good. But they keep getting hard and frustrating. Why do I get to the checkout counter with all my groceries today and after she rings everything up my card doesn’t work. Why does our water shut off RIGHT when I have soap ALL over my face in the shower? Lord, I’m sick of going to bed in bugs and sweat and dirt. I’m sick of having freaking bites all over me and having who knows what in my feet. I don’t know if I can take one more day of being dirty. Lord I am a girl ok? I like to be clean. I’ve done this for 2 months and I’m just ready to come home. I’m sorry Lord this is getting too overwhelming. I know I’ll probably be fine tomorrow but right now I’m so exhausted of this. Thank you for leading me here. But please give me more grace, God. You said your grace is sufficient for me. Lord I need you so much. I’m almost done. I don’t want to get beat down this far in the race. I’m almost there, God. Give me strength and give me grace. You are faithful, God, no matter what I feel.

JULY 28
Tonight I saw a shooting star. God is so faithful and so good to me. I am so changed. I am so full of courage and boldness and NO FEAR!! I am fearless, I am not afraid! I laugh in the face of my enemy for I am victorious with my King. I am transformed. I am brave, valiant, tenacious, bold and strong. I am a woman, no longer a little girl. I am a warrior bride and a queen. Thank you Lord for your great faithfulness to me and your works and your ways!

AUGUST 1
It amazes me that 2 months ago I could see the phrase “new adventures begin” and absolutely freak out and be full of anxiety, and now I see that phrase on our wall, knowing that it will be true in just 5 days, and my very first reaction is to smile. And I get excited. I see that phrase “new adventures begin” and I don’t get sad that the current season is ending; I get so excited that there are new adventures to begin in just a few days! I love the feeling of sweet victory. I’m not scared, I am fearless. This is so amazing. I didn’t think I could do it and I did.

AUGUST 3
In class today I had a vision. God was putting all these things into my hands that I was going to need for my assignment. Money, papers, food and water, and He was just putting all this stuff in my hands, while I stood there receiving it all. I was getting ready to go, and getting prepared. He just kept throwing necessary stuff into my hands. Then He slid a ring onto my left ring finger. Then He handed me a paper with my name in big letters at the top of the paper, and I knew it was my assignment. Then He led me to this gate and opened the gate and said, “Let’s go! Let’s run!!”